Why Your Team Sucks 2. Miami Dolphins. Some people are fans of the Miami Dolphins.

But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Miami Dolphins. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAYour 2. You guys made the playoffs! Can you believe that? Man, I had completely forgotten about that.

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Real shock to scroll through the top of the draft order and NOT see this team there. Let’s see what went down once they reached the postseason… JESUS H. Watch Jerry Seinfeld: Im Telling You For The Last Time` Youtube. CHRIST! Dat’s gotta hoit! Anyway, that’s placebo QB Matt Moore, who was subbing for nominal starter Ryan Tannehill after Tannehill tore his ACL. As you know already, Tannehill tore that same ligament in a new place during the preseason and is already gone for the rest of 2. Between Tannehill’s injuries and Moore having his brain atomized, the Dolphins are arguably much crueler to their own quarterbacks than they are to those of the opposition. Your coach: Oh look, it’s offensive guru and “Guy who got a job in the SNL writer’s room because Dad is a billionaire” Adam Gase!

Honeymoon’s over, Gasey! You may have coasted into second place last year thanks to second helpings of the Jets and Bills, but now your QB is gone and you had to go begging and pleading for this… Your quarterback: HE’S BACK! But I’m using my whole ass!” Yes, Miami, time for you to drink in the full Jay Cutler experience. Watch in wonder as he takes five minutes to get from the sideline to the huddle! Gaze in awe as he throws the ball at the turf the second he senses his pass protection has broken down! Marvel at his furious need to be intercepted!

It’s all yours for six weeks before he goes down with a vague injury to his pointing finger and stays home to collect checks. Make sure your children are vaccinated for mumps and rubella! Here’s a man who has publicly admitted he’s in lousy shape and only took the job because his wife made him do it. This is why it’s breathtakingly naïve to assume that Gase can magically conjure the Cutler of 2. AND his TDs, by the way) and had the best passer rating of his career.

If you’re a Dolphins fan who is currently in denial—and really, denial tends to be your resting state—you can look at Cutler’s career numbers and Tannehill’s numbers and note that there’s very little dropoff, if any, between the two. Cutler is Tannehill!

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Tannehill is Cutler! THAT’S NOT ENCOURAGING. It’s not encouraging when the dude who’s supposed to be your franchise QB can’t post better numbers than the fat naked guy this team had to pull off the street to replace him. It’s not encouraging when Tannehill has all the pocket awareness of a man stricken blind 1. Look at the Dolphins before they were in supposed crisis mode: Cutler isn’t the only reason you are fucked, people.

He’s merely a symptom of a greater disease, a disease to which he has not been immunized. What’s new that sucks: Uhhhh, Jarvis Landry is being investigated for battery, so that’s fun. Then he tweeted about the preseason being bullshit, and then there was this: I feel like Dolphins PR purposely leaked that Dolphins PR didn’t force Landry to shut up about his tweet because Dolphins PR DID force Landry to shut up about his tweet. Jordon Cameron retired before he could suffer his 9. The team also brought in aging linebacker Lawrence Timmons and tight end Julius Thomas, whose career trajectory after leaving Peyton Manning is a steeper drop than El Capitan.

Laremy Tunsil apparently doesn’t know how to exit a shower correctly. Here’s a dead Dolphin: What has always sucked: Ndamukong Suh cannot stop kicking people. It really is amazing. He has all the self- control of the President, and he’s gonna get another $1.

Burfict- ing everyone this season. There’s no way that Miami pays to keep Suh around after this season, so I look forward to him not only burning every last bridge in Miami this season, but also stomping on the ashes when he thinks no one is looking. Also, Jay Ajayi is gonna suck this year. I know it. I can feel it in my loins. No good Dolphins back stays good. After one good year, all of them transform into late- career Bernie Parmalee.

As for this team’s fans… is anyone intimidated by a Dolphins fan, ever? Look at this group of tubby boat captains get into a fight in the stands. Every NFL Sunday, every sports bar on Earth has exactly one Dolphins fan sitting in it, wearing a Marino jersey, looking around for other Miami fans like he’s been frozen out at the school cafeteria.

They are the two- dollar bill of the sports bar crowd. Lemme tell you something, sad Dolphins fan at the bar: No one else is coming. It’s just you. You get to watch Cutler wing it to the Gatorade cooler on third- and- 1.

Stephen Ross is America’s most pathetic social climber. That one Hootie song is god awful. Did you know? The Dolphins’ most famous thing in the last 2. Ace Ventura. For everyone around my age, that is basically the only remotely positive connotation the Dolphins have. By the way, this team DID have a live Dolphin mascot in a stadium fish tank back in the 1. What a bunch of cheap shitbags.

I DEMAND REAL DOLPHINS AND I DEMAND THEY KICK FIELD GOALS WITH THEIR LITTLE DOLPHIN FLIPPERS. Tell me attendance doesn’t triple if that happens. WHO SAYS NO? What might not suck: Honestly?

Cutler’s got a quality butt. I’d be proud to have that butt. HEAR IT FROM DOLPHINS FANS! Matt: Jay Cutler. Chris: I’ve been begging for the release/disappearance of Tannehill for years and boy did that become the biggest monkey paw wish in history. Albert: “Jay Cutler had his best season under offensive co- ordinator Adam Gase”**Looks up 2. Chicago Bears. 6- 1.

NFC North.**Looks up how the Dolphins did following last playoff appearance (2. AFC East. Looking forward to it. Tyler: A month ago I would have said it’s because Ryan Tannehill was somehow approaching his fourth straight “make or break” season, which made no sense. Maybe would have added a joke about how Tannehill couldn’t even fully tear his ACL. Ha ha ha! Except.. Now I would seriously give anything to go back to that situation.

Eric: The Dolphins suck because somehow I consider beating the Jets and going 1- 1 against the Bills a successful season. Chris: One time I called Randy Mc.

Michael “Chris Chambers” to his face by accident, so I’m probably a racist. David: We took John Beck, Chad Henne, and Pat White in consecutive drafts. Brent: Can’t wait for Brady and Belichick to retire so we can get pummeled in the first round of the playoffs every two years instead of every eight years. Michael: Somehow, last year was the first year in as long as I can remember that the Dolphins didn’t do something inherently embarrassing to draw my ire, even going as far as making the playoffs Fast forward to now and I feel like Jay Cutler’s face looks. Steve: Me (to Dad): So did you see that the Dolphins signed Jay Cutler? Dad: Yeah I saw that. Mom (Who has never watched an NFL game but has overheard my Dolphins lamentations for years): Doesn’t he suck?

Me: You’re thinking of Jay Fiedler.. David: The Dolphins are like watching an old lady try to save her lap dog from running into traffic and subsequently getting creamed by a semi. This team is a graveyard. Lewis: I grew up relatively close to New Orleans (rural Mississippi) and lived eight of the past 1. San Diego County.

I was given two opportunities to acclimate into a fan base for two other teams by residence proximity, but because of Ace Ventura and Dan Marino, I’ve made a conscious decision to remain a Dolphins fan since childhood.

Fight Club: Pastrana, Langston, Brown and a Title. Before the 2. 00. Grant Langston and Mike Brown had dueled in the press and on the track in the 2. FIM Motocross World Championship and Travis Pastrana and Langston—well, let’s just say it went further back than that. Grant Langston. We had this race at the end of our South African Nationals in 1. I believe. [Travis] Pastrana came over and I think Paul Currie and someone else as well. I think Travis was 1.

I was 1. 3. I’ve yet to actually really ask him, what the hell made you get on a plane and go to South Africa? It wasn’t like they offered him a bunch of money or anything. But I think [he] just said it sounded like a good idea. Even at that age he was on his own mission.

So, he came down and of course we’re all like, “Dude, it’s f**king Travis Pastrana!” He had already been on Terra Firma. We were, like, super fans. My dad said, “No.

You don’t need to be nice to him. You beat him. Get his autograph first maybe and then try to beat him.” So anyway, I just went over and we started chatting and we kind of hit it off. Travis Pastrana. I wasn’t supposed to ride because I broke my thumb literally the day before I flew over there. So, I was just going to go over to watch. This f**king punk comes up, “Oh yeah, pretending to have a broken thumb.

I would have kicked your ass.” So I had to race! Grant Langston. The first day it poured badly and Travis’s bike cut out on the line and I won in the mud.

It wasn’t really a true test because I ended up winning in the mud, which I wasn’t known for, but no one else in South Africa could ride in the mud. Travis Pastrana. It was a mud race, which was great for me. We had a battle royale, back and forth, back and forth! He passed me, looked over and just swerved and just hit me off the track.

Then he flipped me off! Grant Langston on a run- in with Mike Brown in Brazil. Grant Langston. I think I got the holeshot then he ended up jumping this one jump that none of the 8. I was like, “Dang it. I have to do it,” because he’d jump over my head.

So the next lap came around and I was like, “If he can do it, I can do it.” I just followed exactly what he did. It was a step- down with a single afterwards.

Travis Pastrana. Then I pulled off. I was leading when I pulled off, though, because I was a sissy. He was like, “Couldn’t hang?” So, he talked crap. Grant Langston. We were having a great race. We checked out, like murdered the rest of the field and kind of went back and forth.

Once I got that jump dialed it kept the battle good. Then he ended up casing it. When he got there [South Africa] he was already suffering a thumb injury. I guess he re- aggravated it.

Then he pulled off, but for like 1. Watch Romeo And Juliet: A Love Song Online Freeform. I had ever gone in my life. Travis Pastrana. And then I see him later on, he goes out and wins the World Championship in 2. Still the same punk.

Greg Albertyn had his back 1. I was like, all right then. Greg was a guy we looked up to so much. In 2. 00. 0, I was on a Caterpillar Honda, Dave Thorpe’s team. It wasn’t the best bike.

KTM was a great bike. Over there in the sand it was like hard for me to even qualify because my bike was not up to those guys. And those guys ride good in sand. For me, I think overall for the whole year—I’m not going to blame it on the bike, but in the sand racing I struggled. I wasn’t the best sand rider and I didn’t have the best bike, so it was hard for me to do good at those races.

My goal was to win the World Championship. Langston came out on fire and beat us all. Andrew Langston. I left South Africa with Grant and went over and worked in Europe with him and then ended up being his mechanic.

Basically, I told him that once he was done in Europe that I was going to head back to South Africa. Lee Mc. Collum. I met Travis originally when he was on an 8. I did the amateur support truck. Then I think it was at Steel City, Pat Alexander came up to me and asked me if I wanted to work with Travis as his mechanic when he came to the [pro] team the following year. So, I said, yeah, sure.

That’s how it started. Harry Nolte. The first time I met him [Grant Langston] was in Europe when he started riding for us at Kees Van Der Ven’s KTM team. What I saw immediately were he and his father pushing like hell, always looking for lap times and to be faster. He was training really hard on the bike.

I think Grant was really a racer and physically I don’t think he was the best guy as far as training, but on the bike he was unbelievable. I tried to get Grant. I had kind of been following what was going on over in Europe. Somebody told me that he was looking to come over here. I was like, “I need to call that guy.”Mitch Payton.

Sometimes I fly off the handle. One time I came through and put the bike through the tent. At the time I didn’t really think it was the bike until I did good at the hard pack races. I could do well with the bike on those tracks. Grant Langston. Mike Brown and I had our run- ins.

It started in ’9. Brazil, I think. I got the holeshot and in the back part of the track, he was going fast. He passed me, looked over and just swerved and just hit me off the track. Then he flipped me off! At this point, I had never even met the guy. I just remember I was really irritated and I just pinned it down the hill into the next turn and hit him off the track.

That was the start of Mike Brown and I. I hadn’t even met him. I remember afterwards I was like, “That guy’s a dick. I f**king hate that guy. I’m going to f**king clean him out.” My dad’s like, “Yeah, you clean him out!”.

The first time I had ever heard of Grant Langston, it was in Europe in a sand race. I didn’t know who even won the race.

I came in and I said, who won the moto? And it was Grant Langston. I said, who’s that? He came out of nowhere and started just winning. Then the next race in Germany, I remember that again.

Dang, this dude’s on it. Next moto, same thing. So from then on everybody knew who he was.

That was the first time I was battling with him. I think Luxembourg GP, me and him was banging bars and battling at that race there. Grant Langston. So, from ’9. Brown, but we didn’t battle a lot in ’9. I felt like either he was there and I was here, or I got a good start and won the race. But we didn’t really battle. In 2. 00. 0, it kind of went next level because he believed he could win the championship.

I believed I could win the championship. And Jamie Dobb believed he could win the championship. As you can imagine, when you’ve got us three, it started getting frisky from that point on, especially when I was the guy to beat. When Brownie had his days where he was good he would love to try to ride into you, and then slow down and do it again. We didn’t really battle over there. Nothing like we had here. Over there you never really banged bars too much or nothing like what we did here.

Over there, no. Never had no troubles. Just good racing and that was it. As Langston grabbed the 2. FIM Motocross World Championship and packed his bags for the U. S., the hype began to build around a new rivalry with Pastrana, the 2.

AMA 1. 25 National Motocross Champion. Many years after that first South African MX battle, the two would meet again in France for the 2. Motocross des Nations. Travis Pastrana. I never forgot my first meeting with GL and I saw what he did in Europe. At des Nations that year, I’m like, “Okay, come on…”.

Grant Langston. I actually watched that footage the other day for the first time in a long time. I was a dick. I think there was all this hype and I think it was maybe one of those … you’re a teenager so you’re being told you’ve got to intimidate him. So, you’re like, yeah, I want to be the alpha male. I think when he passed me [in Saturday’s qualifier] there’s a little switch in my head sometimes that just makes me angry when I get passed. I think because it was Travis, I maybe wanted to send him a message and just let him know, “Hey, I’m not a pushover. If you pass me, I’m going to fight you.” After he passed me, I rode straight into him in the one corner and made no attempt to make a pass. I just rode into him.